To vs. Too vs. Two
To, too, and two are another set of homophones: words that sound the same but have different meanings.
You can’t possibly screw them up when you’re speaking, but to many of us there are too many people who screw up the first two versions of the word when writing.
Let’s start with two because it’s the easiest: it’s the number 2. That’s it. It’s that simple. The word two means absof*ckinglutely nothing else! Two is always just a number… like your age. Now let’s move on to the real source of confusion.
To vs. too
Using to vs. too is where most of the mistakes are made. Luckily, using too is fairly simple, so let’s learn that word, and then by the process of elimination all other uses will be the word to.
Using too:
Too has just two meanings: “also” and “excessively.”
Examples with too, meaning also:
Example 1: “I bought my boss a copy of this book because he needs to Smarten the F*ck Up, too. It hit the back of the door as I left his office.”
Example 2: “Someone had just blamed a fart on the dog, so Jimmy farted, too, thinking he had some cover, but unfortunately, his wasn’t silent.”
Examples with too, meaning excessively:
Example 1: “It took too many brain cells for Billy to comprehend that there are three different words all pronounced the same. He wasn’t an avid reader and could only recite the alphabet in song.”
Example 2: “Unfortunately, Jimmy had too much gas to hold back when his wife, Kim, bent down behind him to pick up the fork she had dropped.” (Ah, I remember it well. Everyone laughed and appreciated the exquisite timing – except Kim. And Jimmy slept on the couch that night ’cause it wasn’t just his timing that stunk.)
And finally, the to to end them all:
The word to is very versatile. It can represent a direction or destination, as in:
Example 1: “I’m going to Walmart.” (Or “I’m going down to the Walmart,” as those who frequent the store are known to say.)
It can also represent a relationship between things, as in:
Example 2: “I watched in amazement as the dog that belonged to my oblivious neighbor crapped on my shoe while we talked at my mailbox.”
It can also define a period of time, such as:
Example 3: “Bubba was in the bathroom for 45 to 50 minutes before he flushed, and, although we were all glad he was still alive, no one dared enter after he exited and put the Sunday morning paper on the table with a grin of total satisfaction.”
If you replace to in any of the above sentences with also or excessively (the definition of too), you’ll see that it just doesn’t fit, and that the correct word is to.
The bottom line:
1. Two is a number. Period.
2. Too is only used when you mean “also” or “excessively”.
3. In all other instances, use to.
You can be sure there’s a grammar-nerd explanation for all of this, but just following this rule will certainly achieve the goal of this book, which is to make you 99% smarter!
Excerpt from the book: Smarten the F*ck Up!
© Copyright 2023 Dave Bastien
Smarten the F*ck Up! uses plain English and humor to help people fix the common mistakes they’ve been making their entire lives.